Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize