can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize