True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
