1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
