i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
