All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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