Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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