I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i need some magic done to my vagina
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
