Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
