woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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