He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
What changed your mind?
Being sober
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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