i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My vagina is officially offended.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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