I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
