god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
