New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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