My sheets look like a crime scene.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The Olympian is in my bed
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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