at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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