What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
this is an emotional support booty call
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
