i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
