Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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