Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Is Oprah even human
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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