if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
