you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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