Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
