I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
