She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
