i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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