Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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