I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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