life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
