yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
