you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
