I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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