Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize