Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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