I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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