I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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