I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
