It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
there is puke in my bra ... again
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
