I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Randomize
