between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize