Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
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