She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize