I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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