she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
