i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
