tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
