my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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