Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
