you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
