the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
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