Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
