Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
