shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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