I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
This is the high leading the old right now
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
