The beer is more important than you right now.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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