it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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