Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
