i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
