I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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